Has the sex stopped?

Has the sex stopped?

It's probably the world's best-kept secret: Indian men don't get enough sex, even within marriage or a live-in relationship. You wouldn't guess it from the size of the population, but the truth is sex-health-boosting as it is-is becoming increasingly low-priority among the urban population of a country where intercourse has traditionally been seen as a necessity for keeping the family name alive than an instrument of bonding between the husband and wife. The figures tell the story: the India Today-AC Nielsen sex survey found that 42 per cent of the respondents have sex just one or twice a month.

Stress, the usual suspect, takes much of the blame. "High pay packages come with high stress levels," says Dr Rupin Shah, consultant andrologist and micro surgeon, Lilavati Hospital, Mumbai, in an interview with India Today.

Partners are tired from long hours of commute, work load, the pressure to succeed in their profession; comfort foods, smoking, lack of exercise, and a general Indian habit of 'letting ourselves go' after marriage result in an unfit body, even obesity. The damage is often displayed as erectile dysfunction in men. They are not helped by the women, who are themselves generally too exhausted to take the trouble of tempting their husbands.

Then there is the pressure from parents to present them with grandchildren almost as soon as a couple weds. The later a man marries-most don't before nearing 30 these days-the greater the demand on him to produce an heir. Failure to do so results in stress and that, in turn, hampers his performance even more-it's a vicious circle.

This has been the fate of Jatin Rajpal, 30, an IT professional in Bengaluru. The feeling that he is not a "real man" has pervaded every area of his life as his wife has failed to conceive for the past two years.

While many couples get by on very little sex, in extreme cases, they don't get any. Dr Piyush Goyal, a gynaecologist laparoscopic surgeon, cites a married couple, both 24, who came to him because they couldn't consummate their marriage even after four months! Dr Goyal and his colleague Dr Uddhav Raj say that of all the infertility cases that are referred to them, almost 15 per cent of the couples are actually not infertile at all. The reason for their inability to conceive is astounding: "They just don't know what normal intercourse is," says Goyal.

Even now, the Indian man's attitude towards sex is full of ambivalence-to do or not to do it? The average age of losing his virginity is the highest in the world-22.9 years. And this, according to research at Columbia University and the New York State Psychiatric Institute, can lead to sexual dysfunction later in life. Researchers have found that men who don't have sex till they have reached their 20s may have trouble getting aroused and having orgasm. No orgasm, no baby, no baby, no peace of mind, and so again, no orgasm.

The 'gift' of virginity
Add to this the trend of falling sexual desire among married couples, the phenomenon of the 'willing virgin': the Indian male who thinks about sex, is in a committed relationship, but won't go so far as to have intercourse. In an interview with the newspaper, Mail Today, 27-year-old advertising copywriter Vipin Vohra professes that he is not "made for casual sex". His girlfriend of two years, he say, loves him "a lot" and the two have been "physically intimate", but they have never had sex.

How do you interpret this situation? A man in his prime who has a loving girlfriend in a steady relationship, but is still not tempted to have sex. Generally speaking, Dr Prakash Kothari, noted sexologist and chief of sexual medicine at the King Edward Medical College in Mumbai, sees nothing surprising in such abstinence, calling it an individual's choice. But while he doesn't care much about surveys-"they are like bikinis," he says, "covering the really important bits"-Dr Kothari agrees that Indian men are still in the process of peeling off their layers of inhibition.

When a man deliberately stays away from sex despite having enough opportunities, something is slightly askew, if not abnormal. Scratch the surface and it becomes visible. The most obvious reason is, of course, the famous Indian discomfort with any mention of sex. This cageyness drills into your mind that like the talk, the act itself might be a little dirty.

At a less obvious level, the reason is a personal experience. Take Vohra's case. His notion of staying a virgin till he marries may be romantic, but in fact, it's a sort of reverse rebellion. Vohra, at 21, was invited to a threesome, an invitation he declined. He did have the pleasure- or otherwise-of watching his friends have sex right in front of him, an act supposedly meant to cheer him up, who was then going through a phase of depression.

Instead of making him aroused, the incident made him decide that his first sexual encounter would be with someone special. The irony is, he has now found someone special, but that first encounter is yet to happen. 'Someone special', it seems, is a label reserved for a wife-Vohra and his girlfriend plan to marry soon and virginity will be their 'gift' to each other.

Vohra's girlfriend either has a sexual drive and romantic ideas that exactly match his, or she is very respectful of his reluctance. A very high level of acceptance is, in fact, the hallmark of the Indian woman, says Dr Kothari. It's not only single girls who have virgin boyfriends; sometimes wives have to live to with virgin husbands, too. Dr Kothari says he knows a man who got married at 25 but did not have actual sexual intercourse for the next 25 years, "though they did stimulate each other manually". India, says Dr Kothari, probably has more sexless marriages than any other country. "There are marriages here that would not last even a few weeks in a Western society."

How much of a man's flagging sex drive is due to his poor body image is anybody's guess, since such things have never been relevant for Indian males. But according to Eli Coleman, academic chair in sexual health at the University of Minnesota Medical School Programme in Human Sexuality, "there are often dynamics other than the desire to be abstinent until marriage". The dynamics, says Coleman, include problems with body image, fear of intimacy and alcohol and/or drug abuse.

Speaking about virgin young men, Jitendra Nagpal of the Vidyasagar Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences (VIMHANS) describes it as the Indian man's new sense of responsibility. If that's correct, what keeps a man from having sex even after marriage?

"Mismatch of sexual desire and lack of communication," says Kothari, "commonly caused by personal inhibitions and cultural conditioning." Conditioning can actually take the spontaneity out of the act, as in the case of New Delhi's Varun Kapoor, 24, who decided to have his first sex at 19 only "after a lot of discussion". A responsible move, yes, but it also seems like an act that lacks passion.

Lack of passion marks you as a 'good boy' in India. It is surprisingly easy for an Indian man to say "I'm not interested in sex"-our society approves of that. This is quite different from, say, an American man's situation: he would rather say he has sexual dysfunction than say he is not 'interested'.

And this data about America come as a revelation: in a country where everyone is supposed to want sex all the time, "studies show that 45 per cent of married couples have sex just one to three times per month. Thirty-three per cent have sex zero to three times per year. And only eight per cent have sex four or more times per week," says Daniel Stein, MD, medical director of the Foundation for Intimacy in Tampa, Florida.

You are not alone
There are couples who take a joint decision to abstain-like Vohra and his girlfriend- and then there are couples who go sexless simply because one partner doesn't feel up to it. The tide of sexual desire ebbs for various reasons: a new baby, different work hours like in the BPO circle, or generally pushing sex to the bottom of the agenda.

Again, Indian traditions contribute here: sex before marriage is a sin; sex after marriage is meant for producing children to keep the family tree going. Sex for the sake of sex is considered unimportant. But "sex is just as health-promoting as vitamins, exercise, and a balanced diet," says Dr Stein. "This is not just a marital issue, but a significant public-health concern."

The Indian law recognises the importance of having a proper sexual relationship within marriage. "Refusal to have sex with your wife (or husband) is considered mental cruelty and can be a ground for divorce," says lawyer Hari Pillai. But what of the times when there is no refusal? When couples, even young ones, simply drift apart?

"The partners function as parents, as bread-winners, as housekeepers, but they're more like brother and sister," says Dr Stein. "Not only does the frequency of intercourse decline, but so does the kissing, hugging and touching." And this is the crux: when sex wanes, love wanes. "A relationship is a living thing that needs nourishment to grow. And that nourishment is sex," Dr Stein says.

Determining whether or not you're in a sex-starved relationship isn't as simple as tallying the number of times you do it. Sexual satisfaction involves much more than frequency. To put your relationship to the test, take the quiz 'Test your relationship'. But keep in mind that there's a natural ebb and flow to sexual relationships. For a situation to be chronic, it must persist for at least six months. If your test score proves you're not scoring enough, don't panic. Experts say the first step to correcting the problem is realising you're not alone.

"I've been a marriage therapist for 20 years, and I'd estimate that one in three couples struggles with this issue," says Michele Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage. "It affects all types of people, regardless of age or years spent together." If you and you partner are at sexual odds, here is a multistep programme for breaking the gridlock and restoring intimacy in your relationship:

View it as a couple problem. This isn't her fault, nor is it your fault. It's a mutual problem. As Barry McCarthy, PhD, a certified sex therapist, points out, the solution is working together. This simple shift in mindset can make a major difference.

Eliminate possible physical causes of low desire. There may be a straightforward biological reason your partner is disinterested in sex. Becoming a mother, poor body image, stress, fatigue, surgical complications and even the side effects of some drugs (especially antidepressants) can all have a negative impact. Likewise, a man's loss of desire can stem from declining testosterone levels, performance anxiety, fatigue, drinking, job stress or medications.

Call a hootchy-kootchy hiatus. If the problem turns out to be psychological, institute a temporary ban on intercourse. By agreeing to have no nooky for a specified period, you'll be taking the heat off whoever is feeling pressured in the relationship. This usually helps that partner relax enough to open up. It'll also show you that there are other ways to express affection. Try this: lie on the bed, close your eyes and ask your partner to touch and massage various parts of your body (genitals are off -limits). Focus on the sensations. Then do the same for her. McCarthy says this teaches you to separate pleasure from performance.

Make a date for sex. As your intercourse ban winds down, arrange for a special evening. Dr Stein calls it "setting the table for sex". Leave provocative notes for one another, pretend you're dating. One thing you shouldn't do, though, is go out for a big dinner. Save your blood supply for arousing your genitals instead of digesting the mutton biryani. "Most couples don't spend any time planning for intimacy," says Dr Stein, "but sex is all about expectation."

Just do it. No doubt, the two of you will have a wonderful time on your "date". To make sure you follow through, set a time for sex. It may sound cold, but new research shows that desire doesn't necessarily precede arousal. "My clients often say, 'I wasn't in the mood when we started, but once we got into it, I really enjoyed it,'" says Weiner-Davis. "Sometimes the hardest part of running is putting on your shoes. So just do it."

Stay connected. To keep a relationship vibrant, you have to communicate. It sounds obvious, but many couples don't do it. You don't have to be each other's best friend or soul mate. All it takes, says Weiner-Davis, is 15 minutes of daily check-in. It doesn't even matter what you talk about; what's important is that you're talking, touching and expressing everyday concern and affection. "This sort of daily connection and friendship," she says, "is the foundation for keeping sexuality alive. And this is something worth the keeps."

Make sex Priority One. "Sex is more important than your career," says Dr Stein. You can always change jobs, but if you'd rather not change your girlfriend or wife, have sex. Plus, the longer you abstain, the harder it is to get back in the saddle.